|
1. If staying in a haunted
house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their
most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can
usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade -- at
any time of the year.
3. All beds have special
L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman
but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at
least one loaf of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone
to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower
to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub
off -- even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system
of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think
of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part
of the building without difficulty.
8. You're likely to survive any battle
in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture
of you sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass
yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any
window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never
finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking
the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries
to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police
is always wrong.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look
at your wallet as you take out a note -- just grab one at random
and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand,
it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches.
When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge
door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations,
it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon
and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband
and children never have time to eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that
crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Stripping to the waist can make a man
invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will
be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house,
it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath -- even if it's
the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had
perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is
possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people
of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have
a cat.
|
26. Any person waking from a nightmare
will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down
a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering
wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better
chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming
from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication
can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying,
"Hello? Hello?"
31. Most people keep a
scrapbook of newspaper clippings -- especially if any of their
family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily
outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies
will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around
in threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional
confrontation, instead
of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to
stand behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to
bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just
slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's
bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers
personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned
a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone,
all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for
manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities
to waste.
39. No matter how badly
a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never
damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the
loose, this event will coincide with a thunderstorm that has
brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find
a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs
prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery
involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man
eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.
43. Having a job of any
kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments -- especially
wind instruments and accordions -- can be played without moving
the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted
with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you
know exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly
outside the building you are visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable
razors -- if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away.
You can always find a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without
smudging.
49. A detective can only
solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the
street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
|
